Thursday, December 18, 2008

Truly Abysmal Dumbth


WLS reports that Sgt. Drew Peterson is engaged to be married, most likely to a 24 year old single mother named Christine.

Two observations:

1) Being stupid enough to marry Drew Peterson may very well qualify as a mental defect of such gravity that it precludes a valid sacrament.

2) If the above is not true, it should not in any way, shape, or form be illegal for Sgt. Peterson to kill this woman. All fault is her own.


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Philosophy of Undeath


From Blog of Hilarity:




For Real?

We were all shocked to learn that classic pin-up girl Bettie Page passed away this week. Shocked, of course, because this means that, apparently, prior to this week, Bettie Page was still alive!

Weird.

Harriet Tubman, Bloody Mary Tudor, and the She-Judge Deborah could not be reached for comment.

Xinyuan Fever!


Darwin seriously hit the nail on the head in at least one regard: when it comes down to it, we're all just a bunch of hairless apes. Chinese Chan thought anticipated this insight by centuries with its emphasis on transcending the inner Monkey Mind, and honorable mention must go to Howard the Duck creator Steve Gerber for carrying the torch of truth into contemporary(ish) times.

Just moments ago, I was enjoying a piping hot cup of coffee and reflecting--no bull--on the power of God to break into the pain and suffering of this fallen world and bring triumph and goodness out of the very evil, filth, and misery that befalls us; to, as the popular saying goes, write straight with crooked lines.

Continuing to reflect, I stepped on to an elevator and was, for all of 5 seconds, confronted with a tiny little (adult) senorita in nursing scrubs stepping off the elevator. In mid inner monologue sentence, my train of thought jumped from "...and so, the love of Christ..." to "...now that's what I'm talking about. Man, what I wouldn't give to..."

I managed to quickly reign myself in...this time. But I think it illustrates the brokenness of the human condition, the inability by the power of our own nature to focus on that which brings us the truest joy and peace, and the addictive power of counterfeit happiness which keeps us under its demonic thumb at all times.

In this Advent season, let's allow our struggle with the Monkey Mind make us ever more grateful for the inestimable condescension that is the Incarnation...that the Eternal Logos did not deem equality with God as something to be grasped at, but out of unwarranted love for us, was not ashamed to become one of us; to suffer our humiliations that we may share in his exaltation.


Monday, December 15, 2008

This Thing We Got

As a Greater Chicagoan, I've certianly noticed that the eyes and middle fingers of the country have been pointed at us for the past week, ever since I broke* the story of Governor Rod Blagojevich's arrest for, among other things, shaking down a children's hospital and selling the seat of Senator Barack Obama (D-IL, retired) to the highest bidder.

Friends from all over the country have been busting my hump at what a mess the State of Illinois' political system is in.

It's always been this way. Greater Chicago and the state as a whole have always been under the thumb of a corrupt outfit, often called the "Chicago Machine."

So, laugh it up, the USA...guess who you dumbasses just elected to run the country.

*Upon hearing of Blagojevich's arrest from my illustrious inside source--WLS AM 890--I immediately called my old drinking buddy Sorry Bill, thus breaking the story.

Habemus ME!

I've often been accused of living in my own little world. Truth be told, that's an accuarate accusation.

Upon reflection, it dawned on me that this little world of mine--call it an alternate reality, another dimension, or whatever you'd like--was missing something.

Yes, this dimension--which I call "the Me-smos"--has been Christian since my baptism in 1989.

Yes, the Me-smos has been in full communion with the Catholic Church since my confirmation in 1998.

But, alas, the Me-smos has been without a pope.

Until now, that is.

I recently called a conclave, in which all one of me cast their votes and unanimously elected me the Pope of the Me-smos.

I have taken the name "Hilarious," to which has been added by popular acclamation the title "the Terrible"--because, let's face it...the Me-smos may be Christian, but its hardly been thoroughly evangelized and, well...I'd make a pretty lousy pope.

As a side note, were I to be elected pope in the dimension known as the real world--which, to be honest, is less than a 50/50 chance, and were I to also take the name "Hilarious," I would actually be Pope Hilarious the Second!